I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
