so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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