OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
