mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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