My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just had sex on a roof
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
