Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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