this beer tastes like vomit already
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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