You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
so much tequila, so little girl.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
