I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
