So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
