The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
