I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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