dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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