I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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