saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
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Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
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I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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