he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
