I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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