It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
