Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
