I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
