i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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