moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
