oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
