there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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