I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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