i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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