so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I need to calm my uterus...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
