You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
