I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
