i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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