By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
