Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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