1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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