Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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Randomize
