Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
