sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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