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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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