if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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