I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
