YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
