Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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