shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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