I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
