im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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