I heard we made out
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
