I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
