I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
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He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
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His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
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