All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
