I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
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Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
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He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize