I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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