She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
