happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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