Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
