I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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