i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
