i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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