I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
