i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
