Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
