its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
