It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
