she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
