i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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