I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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